Knowing For Sure Will Be Better Than Wondering
I’m not searching for a cure, just understanding.
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I have made an appointment with a psychologist for an ADHD evaluation. I’ve written before about my suspicion that I have ADHD. Actually, for a couple of years it’s been more than a suspicion. I have self-diagnosed ADHD, and if that is not confirmed after this evaluation process I will eat my hat! Okay, excuse the very old fashioned expression. It’s actually before my time and sounds more curmudgeonly than I like, but I couldn’t think of another way to express that I have no doubt I will be diagnosed. Alas, I could’ve just said that instead of veering off onto a rabbit trail. (My writing is awash with old idioms. Well, two so far.)
I’ve been on the fence about being evaluated and getting an official diagnosis. I wonder what, at my age, the benefit of having a diagnosis will be. I think it would be unrealistic to expect to become what I’ve been striving my whole life to be: organized, able to follow through on my brilliant ideas, productive, financially secure. Oh, I could sit here all day making a list of what I’ve wished to be, but it’s making me feel overwhelmed, and I don’t want to lose my hope.
“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” - Zhuangzi
Maybe a diagnosis would give me permission to stop striving so much and be who I am, to learn ways to work with my strengths instead of always trying to swim upstream. (That’s three! Four? “On the fence,” is an idiom, yes? Four.)
I listened to episode #294 of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast called What ADHD Feels Like with Jaklin Levine-Pritzker. After listening to the podcast I got online and made an appointment. I’m ready to stop spending my energy wondering if a diagnosis would be helpful and learn to be who I am, not who I pretend to be.
I have a couple of strategies I intend to implement after listening to Jaklin Levine-Pritzker. She suggests making a couple of lists. Instead of a typical to-do list, which can be overwhelming for folks with ADHD, have a “Parking Lot,” list where you keep track of the things you’d like to get done when you’re firing on all cylinders. (Five!) Second is a list of non-negotiables. On those days that feel like depression, where you’re tired, brain foggy, and unmotivated you can hit those non-negotiables and know that it’s enough. Give yourself room to feel what you are feeling, knowing that it won’t last forever, and once again you’ll be on fire (I’m not keeping track anymore.) ready to tackle some of the things on your parking lot list.
I can make things happen like nobody’s business during my on fire phase. Sometimes that phase lasts a day. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. It depends on what I’m on fire about and how long I’m able to maintain focus. If something comes along to shift my focus, like a camping trip or a change in routine, I might dip back into a burnout phase. I used to assume, during those phases, that I was depressed. Now I’m wondering if I was just experiencing ADHD burnout. What if I could have given myself grace during those periods instead of feeling shame and guilt for not being like “everyone else?”
I can structure my life, as much as possible, to lean into and accept my natural rhythms. When I’m feeling inspired I can write, write, write, housework be damned! And when I’m feeling less able to produce I can write something that requires less bandwidth. Instead of beating myself up for not writing 1,000 words a day of the novel I’m working on, I can write a sentence or two each day because something is better than nothing, and I think it’s important to make writing something one of my non-negotiable items.
I used to think an ADHD diagnosis would be beneficial because then I could get medication that would give me life-changing clarity and energy. I think that is unrealistic for me. Medication might be one of my strategies moving forward, but I think I would benefit even more from giving myself grace and leaning into my strengths and superpowers instead of buying into hustle culture and worrying about the judgement I assume (possibly inaccurately) others are sending my way
I’ve filled out my initial questionnaires and will have an intake appointment in a couple of weeks. I’m feeling slightly anxious about it, although I’m not sure why. It could just be the fact that I’ll be discussing a lot of personal things with a stranger, certainly, but I think it’s also that I’m afraid to hope it will help me, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I need help. I’ve been pretending I don’t for fifty years.
One of the things I’ve been doing instead of writing over the last few weeks is listening to audiobooks while drawing. I can listen to a book for longer periods of time than I can sit down and read. I think that’s because I can do something else while I listen which increases my focus. I’ve shared some of those drawings. Here is a recent one:
Your curiosity and wanting to know all that you can about yourself is beautiful and so life giving. Whenever we can shine a light on those aspects of ourselves to try to bring them all home and see who our 'family members' are it feels soul giving to me. I took the word, "strive" out of my vocabulary years ago, when a mentor of mine asked me what my life might look like without all the striving? Something shifted within me that day and I've never looked back. I do get things accomplished, yet more in alignment with what is best for me and allowing myself to jump off the endless hamster wheel. It feels as if you are already onto understanding yourself and allowing in more compassion for the ebb, flow and automatic pilot modes. This feels like such a kind way to be caring for yourself, Jennifer. Thank you for sharing yourself as openly and honestly as you are. 💜