“Self-care is a divine responsibility.” ~Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Starter Sessions
Everywhere I go people are saying, “self-love this and self-love that!” Don’t we have enough people in this world thinking only of themselves? Shouldn’t we all be more concerned with other people instead of obsessing over our own needs and desires? Isn’t loving yourself self-centered and selfish?
My answer is a resounding, “NO!” In fact, I think it is a lack of self-love and self-worth that can cause a person to become truly selfish. People loving themselves is what this world needs more of.
How does loving yourself unconditionally make this world better? There are so many ways, but I’m going to write about three that I have witnessed and experienced personally.
Self love frees you to be more giving of yourself for the benefit of everyone else.
Everyone knows why passengers are told to put the oxygen mask on themselves before helping the person next to them, and you’ve, no doubt, heard the expression, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” We hear those things so many times, that I think the truth of it can become watered down. We don’t stop to really think about how being stressed and overwhelmed hurts us physically, emotionally, and mentally. Or we do know the toll it’s taking, but because our self-worth comes from external sources instead of from within, we keep putting everyone else first. We believe we must earn the love of our friends, family, and God by being selfless.
In fact, I would argue that acts of true service and compassion cannot exist without loving oneself. Sure, one could do a lot of things that appear selfless and kind, but if the motivation is to gain approval or validation from a source outside of the self or a belief that doing good is the only way to experience goodness for oneself, disappointment and bitterness are sure to follow.
When I was a young stay-at-home mom, I tried very hard to do everything right. I wanted to please everybody, including God. It was fear that created this need to please, and that need led to a shit-load of stress and overwhelm.
I had signed up at church to help provide meals for families who were experiencing illness or the birth of a child. One morning I got a call asking if I would be able to provide a meal for a brand new mom. I agreed without even thinking. When I got off the phone I realized I would need to shop for groceries to be able to make something nice. Chili Mac wasn’t gonna cut it. I got the groceries, made a delicious meal, packaged it up and drove to the address I was given.
I arrived at a gated community and called to be let in. “Hi, I’m from church with a meal for you.” I drove up to a beautiful large house and rang the bell. A pretty, thin, energetic woman in a cute purple sweat suit answered the door. She smiled and asked me to come in, and then led me to the kitchen where her husband was putting their new baby into a carrier. “We’re just about to head over to my parents for a visit. Thank you so much for the meal! We’ll have it tomorrow.”
I suddenly felt painfully aware of the fact that my hair was a mess, pulled back into a ponytail and my clothes were a little too tight, and I was sweaty. She just had a baby and you wouldn’t have been able to tell from the shape of her body. Her hair and makeup were tastefully styled and applied. Her house was three times the size of mine, spotless, and her husband was home on family leave to help deal with the extra work that parenthood brings.
I spent money I didn’t have and bought groceries with a credit card, cleaned my messy kitchen so I could make a meal, and left my own family to fend for themselves for dinner. I might have felt good about all of that if the family seemed to need what I was providing, but this woman’s life seemed perfect to me, and I was envious. When I got back into my car, I started crying and couldn’t stop. I drove home watching the road through tears.
It’s not that woman’s fault that I felt the way I did. I had no business trying to take care of someone else and their family. I was tired, depressed, and unable to care for myself or my family. I was trying to pour from an empty cup.
I called the organizer of the meals ministry at church the next day and asked to be removed from the list. I had to explain that things had become too hard for me in my own life, so I wouldn’t be able to continue to help. She asked if I needed some meals delivered for a couple of weeks. I said, “No thank you,” not loving myself enough to accept help when it was being offered.
Compassion for yourself leads to compassion for others and vice versa.
Judging other people comes naturally. We all do it sometimes, and some of us do it all of the time. There are a lot of reasons we judge people. Maybe we grew up hearing relatives talk about the neighbors and other family members in a judgey way. We learned to notice what everyone around us was doing wrong.
We judge others to make ourselves feel better. Those judgements actually reveal insecurities we have about ourselves. A person may wish they had more wealth, so they feel better when they judge people who have less. “People just don’t want to work these days,” and then they also judge the people who have more, “We can’t all be born with a silver spoon in our mouths. Must be nice!” Easier to judge than to face our own perceived inadequacies.
I have found that when I give other people grace and refuse to judge them, I am able give myself the same. I did an experiment once. I was shopping and became aware of the judgements I was making about other shoppers. I remembered that when I used to go out with my husband before we were married, and he would say something judgey about someone else, “Look at that hair, what a freak!” I would make him say five nice things about that person. He indulged me only because I was cute. So, I decided that every time an unkind or judgmental thought crossed my mind about someone I would intentionally think of something nice about that person or send them a kind wish instead.
The kind thoughts turned into kind actions. I would see a woman whose clothes were dirty and start to judge, then remember my intention. “She has really beautiful eyes, but they seem sad. I wonder if anyone has smiled at her today,” and I’d go out of my way to make eye contact and give her a warm smile. Those kind thoughts about others turned into kind thoughts about myself, and those thoughts also turned into actions of self-love.
It absolutely works the other way around too. When you start catching those judgements you heap onto yourself and turning them into a compliment or a kind wish, you stop noticing everything that is wrong with everyone else, which is liberating. Can you imagine what our communities would be like if this one practice was universal?
Loving yourself unleashes your creativity into the world!
When we start loving and stop judging ourselves, we are more willing to take risks. Failure doesn’t seem like such a scary thing anymore. We can see it as part of our growth instead of thinking of it as a big red F on our chest. Fear of failure blocks creativity and innovation. Letting go of that fear frees you from perfectionism. You start to put yourself out there and the world benefits from your work, your ideas and your art. When you love yourself you realize that your voice has value, and sharing it is an offering. It would be selfish to deny the rest of us that gift, don’t you think?
When you love yourself, you give everyone around you the permission to do the same. Fill your cup with love and let it spill out all over the world. The ripples will be endless and divine.
I love the quote at the end of your article!
To simply witness and BE without all the commentary. It’s a practice and one I am swimming alongside. I’ll bet your meal was delicious and when she had her sweatshirt on with sour spit up adorning her collar, she quietly thanked you. I’m so grateful to hear that you listened within and asked for your name to be removed. Strengthening our receiving muscles is vital. I will always recall hearing in Al-Anon how we can’t compare our insides to someone else’s outsides. I appreciate your thoughts, Jennifer. Mahalo. 💜