The Life-changing Magic of Uncovering Limiting Beliefs
The Life-changing Magic of Uncovering Limiting Beliefs
And challenging those beliefs to end the cause of our suffering
Limiting beliefs are things that we believe to be true about ourselves that keep us from accomplishing goals or living our best lives. Sometimes we aren’t even aware of a limiting belief lurking in our psyche that is holding us back. You might hear someone say, “I just don’t have what it takes,” or “I’ll never find true love.” We bump up against those beliefs when we try to make changes that will benefit us, and we experience discomfort, so without realizing it, we back off and settle for the status quo because that is where our subconscious mind is convinced we are safe.
Recently, I uncovered a limiting belief about myself that I have held for as long as I can remember.
Success is not for me.
I think I have always believed that there is some magic key possessed by a small minority of people on the planet who have been given this magic by God, the Universe, or random chance. But whatever the mechanism of gifting was, I must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and missed the showering of magical success pixie dust.
I don’t know where I developed it, but I can remember having that general belief and feeling sure it was true even as a little girl. There was one time I was walking with my aunt on the long dirt driveway leading to my grandparents’ farm in Southern Minnesota. She was just a girl, herself, more like an older sister to me than an aunt. She asked me if I would like to be popular in school. I asked her what being popular meant, and she explained that it’s where everyone likes you and they vote for you to be homecoming queen; Queen of the whole school because you are special and everyone likes you. I knew immediately that was not going to happen. My little girl mind could not conceive of being that kind of special.
When I was a preteen in the seventies I liked to read those magazines for teenaged girls like Seventeen, ‘Teen and American Girl. They featured beauty and makeup tips, and there was usually an advice column. In one of those columns, a reader wrote asking for advice about how to become a famous actress. Well, that was my dream too, so I leaned in, reading with anticipation, eager to discover how I could make this happen for myself.
I realized then that it was too late for me (at the ripe old age of twelve) to pursue my dream of becoming an actress.
The columnist’s suggestion to the girl with stars in her eyes was to enroll in acting classes, take dance classes or voice lessons and try out for the school play. I realized then that it was too late for me (at the ripe old age of twelve) to pursue my dream of becoming an actress. I had already missed the boat, or so I believed, on becoming a good dancer or singer. My parents couldn’t afford fancy lessons, and I would surely never be brave enough to audition for a play. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be chosen for a part. Later, in high school, I did audition for parts, and I was in musicals and plays, always the chorus line or a small part, never the lead. Rather than seeing this as a stepping stone to my dream, it was confirmation that I was destined for mediocrity.
When I started to reflect on these memories and many others like them I discovered the buried belief, that success is not for me, and became aware of the ways it has caused me to back off of certain pursuits at just the moment success seemed achievable. A fairly recent example: I developed an interest in making pendants by wrapping stone cabochons with copper and silver wire. I watched hours of tutorials on YouTube, joined discussion groups on Facebook, and started making pendants, each one a little better than the last. I shared pictures on social media of some of my work, getting lots of praise and encouragement to keep working.
Then people started asking to buy the pendants I was making, and the assistant principal at the school where I worked asked if I would be willing to give a presentation to the staff about my process of teaching myself to make the pendants. I began to experience discomfort, that I was not fully aware of at the time, but in looking back I can see was significant. I think I was bumping up against that limiting belief that success is not for me, and when that happened, the discomfort became intolerable, so I stopped doing something I loved. I haven’t made a single pendant since, although I continue to buy stones because I love sparkly things, and I keep telling myself that I really should get back to creating lovely jewelry.
Byron Katie has a process of inquiry she calls The Work. I discovered Byron Katie and The Work about ten years ago. Katie has four questions for you to ask about the thought or belief that is upsetting you.
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
Success is not for me.
Is it true? Well, I have dreams and goals I haven’t been able to make happen. Does that mean success is not for me? It seems like it sometimes.
Can I absolutely know that success is not for me? Well, of course not. I can’t know that absolutely. Maybe success is not for me, yet. Or maybe I am successful, and I need to broaden my definition of success.
What happens when I believe that success is not for me? I get uncomfortable whenever I start to experience a higher level of success that I have in the past. I feel anxious. All sorts of fears and negative thoughts start to come up. What if I’m disappointed? What if I disappoint others? What if this success is a fluke, a one off, and I waste money and time pursuing something and end up failing? What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m deluding myself and thinking too highly of myself. Well, maybe I should just put myself back in my place.
Who would I be without that thought? Oh. Do I dare to dream? I literally get goosebumps when I think of it. I would not hit that wall when I start to experience progress and success. If I had doubts, I would push through the resistance that everyone feels when they start to pursue a goal or reach a higher place. It would be like receiving a magic key or a sprinkle of magical pixie dust.
I think so many of us women were fed that idea when we were young girls, intentionally or not. I struggled in the same way for many years. Even when I was successful at something like writing or public speaking, realizing that was a surprise. More recently, I taught myself to weave about five years ago (when I was in my late 60s). As I learned, my work was mediocre and I almost gave it up. I wove nothing for a whole year, partly due to that fear and, well, life also got in the way. But in the last four or five months, I've begun again and have concluded that I have a talent for it. At any rate, I love doing it, which is even more important to me. Might I admit that I'm successful? Please return to pendant making.
Such a powerful discovery, Jennifer. I love your question: "Who would I be without that thought?" And I hope you return to making pendants!